Observations on Life

This was sent to me in an email, but I thought you might enjoy it too.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>  I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'    - Eleanor Roosevelt    <><>    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.   - Mark Twain  <><>   The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible  - George Burns  <><> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.  - Victor Borge  <><> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  - Mark Twain  <><> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  - Socrates  <><> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  - Groucho Marx  <><> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  - Jimmy Durante  <><> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  - Zsa Zsa Gabor  <><> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.  - Alex Levine  <><> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.  - Rodney Dangerfield  <><>     Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.  - Spike Milligan  <><> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.  - Joe Namath  <><> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.  - Bob Hope  <><> I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.  - W. C. Fields  <><>   We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.   - Will Rogers   <><> Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.  - Winston Churchill  <><> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.  - Phyllis Diller  <><> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.  - Billy Crystal  <><>    And the cardiologist's diet: -  If it tastes good spit it out.